


the sense of something underneath the surface

by smugdensmitchell



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: 19/09/2019, Ben Mitchell - Freeform, Callum Highway, Episode Related, Fluff, M/M, cute boyfriends, what should've happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-26 03:46:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20735711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smugdensmitchell/pseuds/smugdensmitchell
Summary: “Tell Bobby to hang in there, yeah?”Ben meets Callum’s gaze as it falters with uncertainty, almost as if he doesn’t know where to look. For a split second, he contemplates asking if everything is okay, ifCallumis okay, but he looks agitated, ready to be anywhere but here. Ben doesn’t want to push.“I will,” he settles for.Basically, a take on what could have happened if Ben had followed Callum out of the hospital and seen him breakdown.Continuation from episode on 19/9/2019.





	the sense of something underneath the surface

“Tell Bobby to hang in there, yeah?” 

Ben meets Callum’s gaze as it falters with uncertainty, almost as if he doesn’t know where to look. For a split second, he contemplates asking if everything is okay, if _Callum_ is okay, but he looks agitated, ready to be anywhere but here. Ben doesn’t want to push.

“I will,” he settles for. 

And with that, the taller man is leaving, brushing past Ben in a manner gentle enough to be true to character, but forceful enough to give cause for concern. 

He’s probably just embarrassed that he stood someone up, Ben thinks, regardless of the circumstances. Realistically speaking, it just isn’t a very _Callum_ thing to do, being the ever trying do-gooder that he is. 

Nevertheless, Ben’s focus remains firmly on Callum’s movements, staring through the small pane of glass in the hospital door even after he has left. He doesn’t know exactly what he’s anticipating; Callum has well and truly vanished from his line of sight. He’s probably on his way down the stairs, desperate to get out of that godforsaken suit and tie and as far away from Ben’s dysfunctional excuse of a family as possible. But he just can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong, and what kind of progress could he ever expect Callum to make if he keeps bottling stuff up? 

“Are you comin’ in or what?” Ian remarks down the corridor, annoyance thick in his tone. 

Ben is shocked out of his train of thought. “Sorry, I was…” Ben stutters, itching the back of his neck awkwardly. He makes a decision. “Tell Bobby I’ll be back in a bit.” 

“You what?” 

Ben turns his back on his brother, walking hurriedly down the corridor in the same direction as Callum had done about a minute ago. _He can’t have gone too far_, Ben thinks. _I’ve seen his jogging efforts._

“5 minutes Ian, I promise!” He says, putting five fingers in the air to reaffirm his statement as he continues to make tracks.

“Ben! Where the hell are you going?” 

Ian’s voice follows him to the very end of the corridor, and Ben just about makes out a pleasant little “no worries then, it’s not like your nephew nearly got hit by a train” before he lets go of the door behind him. He decides to let Ian be...well...Ian for now. Bobby is safe. 

His priority is finding _his date._

———————

Ben darts straight for the staircase, assuming Callum will have made a beeline for the exit. That tends to be where most people go when they leave, right? Except Callum isn’t most people. Far from it, actually. 

Callum is the epitome of self-depreciation, of criticising every decision he makes. He is gentle and considerate and selfless and...

And he hasn’t even made it to the exit. Ben spots him sitting at the bottom of the first flight of stairs, head resting against the wall as though his entire state of balance depends on it. He doesn't exactly look comfortable, but there is only so much one can do when resting on a staircase with a concrete wall for a pillow, Ben supposes. 

He experiences a moment of panic, albeit brief, prominent enough to tempt him to turn around and pretend he didn’t see a thing. But, as always was the case when it came to Callum, there was an even stronger force telling him to stay. 

He makes his way down the staircase, careful not to startle the other man, but doing so anyway when he places a hand on an unassuming Callum’s shoulder. He glances at Ben for a brief second, and the skin around his eyes is red and blotchy, the damp edge of his tear ducts a depiction of sadness. Callum defeatedly edges along the step, muttering a quiet “sorry” as he does so, although Ben isn’t entirely sure what for.

He sits down beside him, earning a confused look from his friend. _Friend?_ Ben has no idea. 

“What are you doin’?” Callum says, bringing his forearm to his face and wiping his eyes with the back of his sleeve. 

Ben’s heart sinks as the realisation dawns on him. The apology came because Callum thought he was in Ben’s way, and he was confused because he thought Ben was trying to get past him, not trying to sit by him. He was obviously completely used to dealing with things on his own, never assuming someone would actually want to sit and listen to what was troubling him. But things are different now. Ben desperately wanted him to know that. 

“If I’d known the prospect of a date with me was _this_ distressing I never woulda’ mentioned rearranging,” Ben jokes, nudging into Callum’s shoulder. 

Sniffling vulnerably, Callum smiles at the ground. “I’m just upset ‘cause it didn’t happen.” 

“I was waiting for a solid 45 minutes, mate." Ben remarks back, tapping at his wrist dramatically with a smirk. "If anyone’s got the ‘ump it should be me.” 

Callum itches at his temple nervously. “Keeping you on your toes, ain’t I?” he says, nudging Ben's shoulder back. 

“Is that a joke about my height?” 

He feigns dismay and it makes Callum laugh. Like, a proper laugh. It gives Ben a huge sense of accomplishment to make him smile like that, even if it is at his own expense. He takes courage from it, lifting his hand and placing it gently on Callum’s thigh in the midst of a comfortable silence. Ben worries momentarily that Callum will flinch, lean away from Ben’s touch. It was still very early days, after all. 

But he doesn’t. He just looks at Ben’s hand resting there, then looks at Ben, then looks at his hand again, opening his mouth to speak. 

“Ben, I think-” 

“Callum, do you need to talk?” Ben unintentionally cuts him off, mentally cursing as soon as he executes the rude interruption. _It’s your time to listen_, he thinks. _Not a good start, you fucking idiot._ “Sorry, I--,” Ben stutters, clearing his throat. “You first.” 

“I was-- I was just gonna say that I— I think Bobby needs you, Ben.” Callum places his hand on top of Ben’s, still resting on his thigh. He pushes the hand away as gently as possible, and Ben could tell that he was trying his level best for it not to come off as a rejection. Regardless, he struggles not to take it as such. “He needs you.” Callum reiterates. “You should-- you should go.” 

He recognises exactly what Callum is doing, pushing people away when he needs them the most. It’s so very typical of Highway, it used to be so very typical of _Ben_. He wasn’t about to let Callum head for that same path of silent self-destruction. 

“Ian’s with him," he states matter of factly. "He don’t need me at all.” 

“But--” 

“You know what I think?” Ben interrupts him again, intentionally this time around. His voice is firm, but still approachable, he hopes. He doesn’t take his eyes off Callum. “I think _you_ need someone.” 

Callum shifts uncomfortably at the statement, turning himself so his body is facing more towards the concrete wall beside him. He digs his thumb into the center of his mildly sweaty palm, his gaze never faltering from his hands. Ben observes him intently, watching as Callum’s invisible guard builds up at an incredible pace. He rearranges himself so that he’s facing Callum, _or the back of his head at least_, determined to get through to him. “You don’t have to shut me out, ya know.” 

Nothing. The same two eyes staring at the same concrete wall.

Ben sighs, careful not to come across as though Callum’s behavior is growing tiresome. He’s frustrating, yes - stubborn and _far_ too good at playing the martyr, but Ben sees so much of his own brokenness in Callum. He isn’t tired of him. In fact, he’s almost certain that he never could be. 

Ben lifts the very same hand that was once rested on Callum’s leg and hooks his finger and thumb gently beneath the taller man’s chin. He applies slight pressure, turning Callum’s head towards him and meeting his gaze with nothing but sincerity and concern. His voice is barely a whisper when he speaks. 

“Callum, do you need me?” 

Ben searches blue eyes dusted with tears, trying to figure out what was going on inside that troubled mind of his. A silence occurs that feels like an eternity, but the eye contact doesn’t falter, and Ben’s hand stays put, his thumb absentmindedly stroking beneath Callum’s chin. 

Gradually, Callum starts to nod, his bottom lip trembling slightly, and Ben watches as his eyes get wetter and his guard falls lower, and lower. 

“Okay,” Ben reassured simply. “That’s okay.” 

And as though that was all Callum needed to hear to give into it, whatever _it_ may be, he does so, collapsing his entire body weight into the shorter man’s arms. 

Ben instinctively wraps both arms around him, holding as much of Callum as his body will physically allow. He can hardly shift himself into a more comfortable position given the cold, hard staircase they’re cramped on to begin with, but Callum has nestled his head into the crook of Ben’s neck, and suddenly comfort doesn’t really matter anymore. 

He motions his hand up and down Callum’s arm, swaying gently with him as though he were settling a small, vulnerable child, holding him that little bit closer every time he feels the shoulders beneath him wrack with a sob. Hushing soothingly, he presses his lips to Callum’s slightly tousled hair. 

“You’re alright,” Ben promises. “I’ve got ya.” 

———————

It must be a good ten minutes that passes before Ben eventually feels Callum stir in his arms. His muffled sobs become fewer and farther between, and after a while they stop in their entirety, turning into the odd sniffle instead. Still, he has yet to remove himself from Ben’s embrace, and Ben certainly isn’t putting up a fight. 

Amidst the sound of Callum’s cries and Ben’s words of comfort had been a blanket of absolute silence. Callum still hadn’t said a thing about what was on his mind, and Ben hadn’t pushed him to either. No other soul had used the staircase in either direction, and Ben could only scarcely make out the distant voices of staff communicating. He was relieved about that, really. The last thing Callum needed was a stampede of people going about their evening and imposing on his moment. On _their_ moment. 

Ben is the one to speak first. 

“Do you, erm...do ya wanna talk?,” he offers, lifting a hand to scratch at his nose. He says it softly enough to remind Callum that there is no pressure, but promptly enough to let him know that he means it. _This sincerity shit is hard_, he thinks. But he’s trying. He really is. 

Callum lifts himself from Ben’s arms, rubbing both hands over his eyes in exhaustion. He shakes his head. 

“No?” Ben queries, just as Callum changes the motion of his head to a half-hearted nod. “Yes?” 

Callum sighs in defeat, simply shrugging his shoulders now. “I don’t know,” he whispers, his voice catching in his throat. “I don’t know.”

Ben nods with compassion and understanding; noticing the way Callum’s eyes drop to the floor. “_Halfway_,” he says, the nickname rolling off his tongue like a mantra he’d been repeating for years. “Name says it all. Shoulda’ known you’d be indecisive.”

Callum manages a small laugh, shaking his head affectionately, and Ben feels a pang of adoration at the fact that Callum is adapting to his sense of humour, to the way he makes light of every situation where possible. Even this time last week he was chastising Ben for mocking him, always making jokes about things that weren’t all that funny, and now here he was laughing with him. Or at him. Ben wasn’t sure which, nor did it matter. 

“Well, if ya decide that you do wanna talk…” Ben trails off momentarily, reaching his hand out. “Then..” he clears his throat again. “Then I’ll be here.” 

The sincerity in his voice is enough to recapture Callum’s attention, who, up until this point, held his gaze firmly with the floor. He lifts his head up, hesitating momentarily before fondly taking hold of Ben’s outreached hand. Ben closes his thumb gently over Callum’s as if it were second nature, creating invisible patterns on his skin, like little circles of trust. “Yeah?” Ben reaffirms. 

“Yeah,” Callum nods.

Ben mouths “okay” with a small smile, trying to suppress the feeling in his gut that there has been a prominent shift in atmosphere. 

He tries so hard not to let himself think anything of it, but he can’t help noticing that neither of them had pulled their hand away. Of course, this wasn’t Ben’s call to make, but Callum’s breathing is loud enough to hear now and he can feel his own heart beating firmly out of his chest.

Ben has never had to focus this much on eye contact, determined not to let his gaze wander to Callum’s lips. He doesn’t want Callum to feel uncomfortable or on the spot, like there’s any pressure or that Ben has an ulterior motive. But, _fuck_, the way Callum is looking at him right now. Everything is thick with intensity, like he’s taking Ben apart with his eyes. 

Ben continues to move his thumb in circular motion, determined to concentrate his heightened senses on something in the silence, something other than _Callum, Callum, Callum_. He makes those small circles over and over on the skin of the other man’s hand, and with each pattern he makes he feels like Callum is getting closer and closer and then their noses are _almost_ touching and then he just...stops. 

Cliche as it may be, Ben feels like his heart physically halts. He observes the blue eyes in front of him darting wildly, moving indecisively from Ben’s eyes, to his lips, and back to his eyes again, seemingly scanning Ben’s face for answers. Callum looks so nervous, he looks confused and he looks _beautiful,_ Ben thinks, and if it’s approval that Callum is looking for, then, of course, he has it.

Ben swallows before nodding reassuringly, their eyes locked as he gives Callum the green light that Ben isn’t sure he even needs. 

But that is exactly what it takes. 

Ben’s breath hitches as Callum closes the gap between them, his hands finding their way to either side of Ben’s face. Ben almost doesn’t know what to do with his own, deciding to settle them on Callum’s chest, grabbing ever so slightly at his shirt, careful not to be too rough, to push too far. 

Callum’s lips move slowly and curiously against his own, like he’s really figuring Ben out for the very first time. No one battling for dominance, no heated stolen moment in a park at night. 

It’s passionate, it’s messy, it’s so fucking _them_. Foreign enough to be new, to be exciting, familiar enough to feel like coming home. 

And Ben couldn’t get enough of it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so so much for reading!!!
> 
> I have never ever ever written a fic before, big or small, but I was too frustrated knowing Callum needed Ben in that moment and Ben needs Callum _just_ as much and they both have these guards up and its just !! too !! much !! 
> 
> I'm also very new to the Ballum fandom (I tried so hard to avoid getting pulled in lmao rip me) so apologies if this is just an absolute out of character literary disaster of epic proportions. 
> 
> Other than that...enjoy!! *hides* 
> 
> **(NB: Title is taken from the song 'Winterbreak' by MUNA) (it's a really, really sick song) (u should listen)**


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